I Am But Words

It sees likely was so long ago now. Much more than the supposed two years that it has been. I went back to the school today to see an old friend. I didn’t think about oft en but I’m thinning about it now. All those days we spent together all the long night talks when we were afraid we would get caught on the phone at 3 am. I remember, baby. My emotions have been settled for sometime now but that doesnt mean that I don’t think about that time in my life. At that time, our life. I guess now because imolder and saber I can’t seem to put my finger on why we couldn’t have helped our relationship to work. What tore us apart wouldn’t even touch us now. What was the point, dear one?

How are you now? Who are you now? Would you even recognize me today if you saw me. Got to know me again? Its been so long. I really just aren’t sure. Do ever even think about me? You we my first and last love to date. Not to say I’m still hung up on you. I’ve quite moved on but I did change and maybe even become untouchable. You however, have been through what? 4? Haha and I don’t even feel affected. I just wonder if I changed you as much asnyou changed me, baby. Instill pray that you are doing well. I see you have a nephew now. That was a beautiful pictu by the way. I always knew you would be a great father if that is any proof of what is to come.I just want you to know that you were the catalyst for the days that were to come. For the person that I have become. I just hope I was a catalyst for you. Our relationship although obviously, not meant to last much longer over a year has become a very tangible part of my being. You are of me. I hope I am of you, too. I still love you. I always will. Also, not that this really needs to be id but all those things we fought over all the things I said…I forgive you for every thing that I ever blamed you for, I take back all the hateful and nasty things I ever said to you. All the pain I ever put you through, everything with Matt and Josh…I swear I am so sorry for that. You never deserved that. You were better than that and k was jealous, childish, and so selfish. I’m sorry. Forgive me?

Always Yours,

Dana

i don’t understand why I feel so displeased. It is not regret or ungratefulness. No I believe that it is simply something more than that all together. Obviously, I cannot put my finger on it. All I one is that I feel like…the world is slipping away from me faster and faster every year. Every single year I get older and my childhood slips away from me. I change and I forget. I change and I forget even more.I don’t like this transformations but they come steady anyway. What can I do to slow this down? How can I reverse all these things that have stolen who I am? Please tell me! I need to take back what I turned loose of so willingly oh so long ago.but then again, not so long ago either. Why even today I realized that I let a very important piece of me slip away and I did nothing to stop it. Wo have I allowed myself to become?

Right before I left I managed to get my hands on a few basic things that i was sure o would need. I broke into an abandoned house and found a gold mine. fresh apples, cheese, water, some clothes, yarn, a needle, and even an 8 pack of crayons. I felt silly for taking the crayons but they reminded me of a simpler time and i just couldn’t refuse. As it turned out, I made a great choice in bringing them along.

After everything ended, I was alone just like the millions of others who lost everyone in the downfall of our government. I had nowhere to go and I didn’t know what to do. I would find myself seeking the darkest holes imaginable that I could tuck myself into. I finally realise why the darkness was so comforting. It was because then i couldn’t see what the world had become. I could still pretend that the world was as it should be, in the dark. Soon though, hiding was no longer an option. Survival was the demand of the day. I had to find food. I had to find clothes. I was an academic in school so i reallydidn’t have much time for hobbies before the world fell to shit. It never occured to me that knitting or sewing would ever be of any importance to me. THe world I lived in was one of academic excellence where the best degree was all you needed in a jobless economy. Not sewing. I was wrong though. You see, not long after the collapse people started running for the supermarkets and wearhouses and certain people started hording. Thise centers became a bloodbath for any and all who dared go near. I wasn’t an athlete either. A weakling is more like it. I couldn’t go there. I simply could not afford it. One thing I did have going for me was a love for books and knowledge, however. I was sure eventually people would realise through the abscence of doctors and medications just how important books were but as of yet people were starving to death and pages do not provide physical nutrition. So when I realised I needed books to figure out how to handle basic living necesities thre was no short supply of books or the vital information they held…not yet anyway. I learned to scavenge, forage, knit, sew, create and apply medicines, how to perserve wild game, as well as how to kill it and prepare it. I learned much. Soon I took to the woods simply because it was safer than the towns. The cities were getting worse and worse. Killings and mobbings were happening daily at uncanny rates. It was Hell to say the best. Besides, I always liked the trees better than people.